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Reducing writing shame should be one of your goals if you ever suffer from this supremely uncomfortable and unhelpful emotion….
Are you proud of your ability to write? Or do you secretly feel embarrassed, worried or even ashamed about it?
Let me begin by defining shame. People often feel guilty when they’ve done something wrong. Shame, however, is the feeling that we ourselves are wrong or bad for what we did or failed to do. It is deeper than guilt, and we use it to condemn not just our behaviour but our very selves.
Even though shame is unhealthy, we have a hard time walking away from the feeling because — on some level — we believe it saves us.
First, we think it protects us from punishment. But this is not true because — even if no one else notices our error — we are all inclined to punish ourselves. (Think about the time you ate a meal out at a restaurant when you knew you couldn’t really afford it. Or the time you bought something — whether a car or a piece of clothing — well outside of your budget.)
Second, we believe shame will help us maintain control. This is also incorrect because shame usually encourages us to continue displaying the same behaviours that caused the problem in the first place. Think about skipping your writing for a day. Is it easier or harder to resume writing the next day? Spoiler: It’s almost always harder because we’ve started to lose the automaticity (the ability to do things without occupying our minds with low-level details) that comes with ingrained habits.
Third, shame causes us to believe the problem is all our own fault, and we assume that we just need to pull up our socks. Writing feels so individual and so personal that we have a hard time imagining that responsibility could rest with anyone else. But if you failed to play the French horn, for example, would you blame yourself? (Assuming you’d never played the French horn before.) No, of course not! You’d understand the problem was that you’d never had any instruction.
I know, I know, you’re going to tell me you had plenty of writing instruction in school. But the vast majority of school-based writing instruction will have focused on spelling and grammar. Almost none of it will have addressed the issues relating to the behaviour and neuroscience that can make a massive difference to writers.
But there’s an even more insidious problem with shame. Research has shown that it causes people to procrastinate to avoid it.
If you are feeling any shame associated with your writing, be sure to take some quick steps to nip it in the bud. Here are three suggestions for you:
1-Focus on your breathing. Slow, deep breathing is inherently calming and will help keep shame away. Many of us suffer from what I like to call writing apnea, and this disorder predisposes us to shame because it puts our autonomic nervous systems into freak-out mode. If you want to get really serious about your breathing, then please consider meditating. And if you hate meditating, try some breathing exercises.
2-Adopt a realistic attitude toward mistakes. We all make mistakes; it’s part of the human condition. But shame always tries to convince us we should either ruminate endlessly on our failures, never forgiving ourselves for them, or forget about them entirely, as the only way to move forward. If you’re able to take a more realistic attitude — owning your failures, as well as your successes — you’re more likely to hold shame at bay.
3-Talk back to your inner editor. Replace each negative message with a positive one. For example, when you hear “It’s pathetic that I can write only 50 words a day,” respond with “It’s great that I’m able to write every day and, over time, I’ll be able to finish that paper/chapter, no problem.”
Shame is a deep, insidious habit that can not only make you feel abysmal, but also derail your writing. Take it seriously, and don’t let it get its clutches on your psyche.
This is a substantially updated version of a post that first appeared on my blog on Sept. 18/18.
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Need some help developing a better, more sustainable writing or editing routine? Learn about my three-month accountability program called Get It Done. There is turn-over each month, and priority will go to those who have applied first. You can go directly to the application form and you’ll hear back from me within 24 hours.
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My video podcast last week addressed how to find an agent. Go here to see the video or read the transcript, and you can also subscribe to my YouTube channel.
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Do you ever experience writing shame? How do you deal with it? We can all learn from each other, so please, share your thoughts with my readers and me in the “comments” section, below. And congratulations to Mariia Kostetska, the winner of this month’s book prize, for a comment on my Aug. 27/24 blog about the ways we often sabotage our rest ethic. (Please send me your email address, Mariia!) If you comment on today’s post (or any others) by Sept. 30/24, I’ll put you in a draw for a digital copy of my first book, 8 1/2 Steps to Writing Faster, Better. To leave your own comment, please scroll down to the section directly underneath the “related posts” links, below. Note that you don’t have to join the commenting software to post. See here to learn how to post as a guest. It’s easy!
