Reading time: About 3 minutes
If you’ve never learned how to forgive yourself for not writing, take a few minutes to learn how to do that today….
I was eight years old, and a neighbourhood friend — the same age as me — dropped by to visit.
I opened the door and noticed a bunch of wasps starting to buzz and hum around her head, like she was some sort of tiny, pig-tailed wasp magnet. Now, wasps terrified me (I’d had a bad sting on my first day of school), so I quickly slammed the door.
My poor friend, who was stuck outside — surrounded by wasps — had to beat a hasty retreat down the stairs and run home to safety. Talk about a friendship fail of epic proportions.
Why didn’t I just pull her into my house before slamming the door? It’s not like I was operating a medieval castle with a moat…
I know now that I had reacted out of fear — and fear makes us do all sorts of crazy things. Also, as an eight-year-old, I wasn’t mature enough to make complicated choices quickly. Eight-year-old logic: Door open + wasps = SLAM door first, think later.
But more than half a century later, I still have a hard time forgiving myself for that childhood mistake.
You probably have certain things you’ve had a hard time forgiving yourself for. And if some of them relate to writing (or failing to write), today’s post is for you.
Here are seven steps you can take if you’re having a hard time forgiving yourself for not writing. Think of this as therapy, but cheaper and with fewer tissues.
1-Reframe the way you think about your mistakes
Mistakes offer you a chance to learn; they aren’t a permanent reflection of your character. We tend to think of them as binary choices — success versus failure, or strength versus weakness. But in fact, these feelings or attributes can actually live together. Make sure you say, “I feel guilty,” not “I am guilty.” This makes it clear that guilt isn’t a permanent part of who you are but a temporary feeling that will fade.
2-Stop berating yourself
Focusing on I should have written that book by now sets you up to be overly self-critical. And replaying what you did, over and over again in your head, isn’t going to help you in the least. It just makes you feel bad. When you catch yourself ruminating helplessly on your mistakes, refocus your attention on something more positive. But…
3-Don’t deny your remorse or regret
Denying it will only give it more power. Instead, acknowledge the guilt you feel and make a plan to move on. You build muscles with exercise, and you get better at dealing with guilt that way, too. Consider it cross-training for your emotional fitness.
4-Do some box breathing
Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Take a deep breath to a count of four. Hold your breath for another four. Exhale for another four. Hold (with empty lungs) for another four.
Do this exercise three or four times, which will take about one minute.
Box breathing is a technique used by Navy SEALs to move from stress to calm by activating the parasympathetic nervous system and lowering the heart rate. And if it’s good enough for elite military operatives, it’s good enough for us word-wranglers.
5-Put things in perspective
Many of us tend to obsess over the mistakes we’ve made — particularly regrets for the things we haven’t done, like writing. If that describes you, spend some time each day thinking about what you’ve done well: The great interview you conducted. The fastidious research you did. The fabulous writing you did last week. Think about it for long enough, and you’ll realize you’re not as inept a writer as you fear.
6–Look for ways to learn from the experience of failure
The biggest mistake most new writers make is trying to spend too much time at their desks. With people in my Get It Done group, I usually work at persuading them to spend LESS time writing and more time doing other (fun!) stuff. This doesn’t mean they’re lazy or inept. Writing is a job that requires conditioning and endurance. You can’t snap your fingers and start writing for an hour a day — despite what those productivity gurus on Instagram might tell you. Instead, you need to begin with five to 15 minutes. Most people think that isn’t nearly enough time — but it is. Trust me, Shakespeare didn’t write Hamlet in a weekend writing binge.
7-Be patient with yourself
Forgiving yourself is usually harder than forgiving someone else. But if you want to develop a reliable and sustainable writing habit, trust the process and repeat the steps I give here. Most of all, treat yourself with kindness and compassion. Be the friend to yourself you’d want to have — supportive, understanding and maybe occasionally bringing cookies.
The bottom line: we’re all just winging it
Here’s the truth bomb that nobody talks about: even the most successful writers feel like imposters half the time.
We’re all just eight-year-olds in grown-up bodies, sometimes slamming doors when we should be opening them.
What makes the difference is learning to forgive ourselves for being beautifully, imperfectly human — and then getting back to the keyboard anyway.
If you liked this post, you’ll also like Stop putting yourself down.
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Need some help developing a better, more sustainable writing or editing routine? Learn about my three-month accountability program called Get It Done. There is turn-over each month, and priority will go to those who have applied first. You can go directly to the application form and you’ll hear back from me within 24 hours.
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My video podcast last week addressed how to decide what to write about. You can watch the video or read the transcript, and you can also subscribe to my YouTube channel.
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How do you forgive yourself for not writing? We can all learn from each other, so please, share your thoughts with my readers and me in the comments section, below. If you comment on today’s post (or any others) by Sept. 30/25, I’ll put you in a draw for a digital copy of my first book, 8 1/2 Steps to Writing Faster, Better. To enter, please scroll down to the comments, directly underneath the related posts links, below. You don’t have to join Disqus to post! Read my tutorial to learn how to post as a guest. (It’s easy!)
