Reading time: About 2 minutes
This is my weekly installment of “writing about writing,” in which I scan the world to find websites, books and articles to help other writers. Today I discuss a TED talk with tips for handling hurtful advice about your writing…
Writers can be exposed to hurtful or damaging advice about their writing in a number of different ways:
- Their partners or family members might be reluctant to give them the time they need to write.
- Members of their critique group or beta readers might be unduly harsh about their work.
- An editor might say something inexplicably nasty instead of just “no thanks, this isn’t for me.”
In a TED Talk, psychotherapist Terri Cole gives five scripts for fending off these unpleasant or unnecessary conversations.
Before I summarize her suggestions, however, I want to add that writers are particularly vulnerable to negative comments. Instead of assuming that the other speaker is correct and that you are likely a terrible writer, remember that many ultimately successful writers endured many rejections before achieving success. This list includes: Agatha Christie, William Golding, Isaac Asimov, John le Carre, Joseph Heller, Ursula K. Le Guin and J.K. Rowling. You can see even more famous names here.
Now, here are Cole’s five “scripts” for handling challenging conversations:
1-When someone asks you something you’re not sure about
● “I need a minute to regroup. Can we pick this up in half an hour?”
● “Can we chat about this later today, after I’ve had more time to think about it?” Once you’ve reflected, you can serve up a clear, charge-free “no”, depending on the context.
●“I’m going to say no for now, but I’d love to catch up another time.”
●“I can’t, unfortunately. But once I finish up my current deadline, I’ll circle back to see if there’s a way I can support you.”
2-To deflect nosey questions
● To someone who asks how much money you make: “Trust me, not even close to what I’m worth.”
● To someone who asks about your love life: “I’d rather not discuss it right now. When I have news to share, I’ll let you know.”
● To a colleague who asks what you plan to do with your day off: “That’s why they call it a personal day!”
3-When given unsolicited advice
● “I have a situation I want to share with you. Can you just listen with compassion, please?”
● “I want to share what is going on for me and I ask that you simply listen without offering advice or criticism. I’d really appreciate that.”
● “At the moment, I’m not looking for feedback. I would love it if you could just lend a compassionate ear.”
4-When someone makes unsolicited judgmental or critical comments
● “I don’t recall asking you.”
● “What you call ‘honesty’, I call you ‘giving me your unsolicited opinion and criticism’. Please don’t.”
5-When the other person has crossed a line
● “I thought you should know …”
● “The other day, I felt uncomfortable when you said…”
● “I need to share my experience of what went down, because I’d like you to understand how I feel and where I am coming from…”
● “I want you to be aware of my feelings about what happened…”
Of course, the situation becomes much trickier for writers when they have actually requested feedback (and end up feeling the response is unfair or unduly negative). In a situation like that, I’d simply say, “Thanks for your feedback. I’ll consider your comments.”
And then I’d forget about them.
An earlier version of this post first appeared on my blog on July 12/21.
