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The next time you need to regulate emotions, don’t see yourself as a traffic cop. Regulation looks less like control and more like care…
When I begin writing a new story, I sometimes feel a small frisson of fear.
- Is this piece going to be difficult or boring to write?
- Will it make sense to my audience or will they see me as a fool?
- Am I actually going to finish this piece?
In the face of these brief blips of fear, I’ve been writing for the last 46 years. I’ve even written two books. But if I experience these feelings (albeit at a rather low level), how awful must it be for someone who’s new to writing? Or for someone who’s been traumatized by it? Spoiler alert: pretty awful.
Writing activates emotions like doubt, hope, fear and pride. And they show up like uninvited party guests at certain predictable times. For example:
- When starting (anticipatory anxiety, resistance)
- At mid-draft (overwhelm, self-criticism)
- When receiving feedback (defensiveness, shame)
- While waiting for responses (anxiety, frustration)
- On publication (envy, fear)
If your feelings are getting the better of you, here are four tips that will help you regulate emotions:
1-Name it, first
There’s nothing worse than a nameless monster. Think Voldemort, but for feelings. If you’re feeling an emotion, take two minutes to identify it, before you do anything else.
Labelling emotions — putting your feelings into words like, “I feel anxious” or “I’m frustrated right now”— can reduce the intensity of those emotions. It’s weirdly powerful. You’re shifting from being immersed in them to simply observing them. Naming turns the emotion into something you notice, not something that defines you.
It also reduces rumination — the repetitive, passive focus on your distress. Finally, once you’ve labeled the emotion, you can decide how to respond, instead of reacting impulsively. Like not sending that defensive email to your editor at 2 a.m.
2-Next, regulate your body
We get into lots of difficulty when we don’t breathe properly. If you’re uncertain about the best way to handle air, consider box breathing. It sounds fancy, but it’s stupidly simple: Breathe in to a count of four. Hold for a count of four. Breathe out to a count of four. Hold for a count of four.
Box breathing helps calm the nervous system by regulating breath, which reduces stress and lowers heart rate. It also improves focus and mental clarity by grounding attention in a steady, rhythmic pattern. The U.S. Navy SEALs use it, and if it works for people jumping out of planes, it’ll probably work for your article about tax deductions.
3-Plan “containment” strategies for intense material
Any time you have to deal with something that’s extra intense (for example, let’s imagine you have to write about a physical attack you’ve experienced), make sure you take some protective steps first:
- Give yourself a time limit. (Restrict writing to 15–30 minutes.)
- Write in a space where you feel safe and supported.
- Write in the third person or create a fictional character to “carry” the experience.
- Pause or stop if you feel overwhelmed.
- Have a post-writing ritual. (E.g., Go outside when you’ve finished or take a shower.)
4-Build strong emotional routines
If you often feel overcome by emotions when writing, or if emotions always seem to impede your writing, create some routines that will help you protect yourself.
For example, follow the steps I’ve just listed (naming emotions, regulating your body with breathing and planning containment strategies) and also:
- Schedule regular breaks for yourself.
- Make sure you’re drinking enough water. (Writers and houseplants have this in common.)
- Check in with a peer, mentor or coach.
- Note the emotional highs and lows you experience and record strategies that help.
Emotional regulation is not constant calm
Nor would you enjoy it if it were. Anything that doesn’t change becomes tedious. If we celebrated Christmas every day, we’d soon get bored of the gifts and fancy food. Similarly, you cannot “hack” your way to emotional regulation. And it’s not about avoiding all discomfort, either.
Instead, emotional regulation is a skill you can learn. You will get better with practice. Explore it with curiosity rather than with judgment, and use your emotions to help guide your decisions. Sometimes, emotions are signals rather than obstacles. Perhaps, at a particular moment, they’re suggesting you need a walk more than you need to be writing. Your anxiety about a deadline might actually tell you that you need to eat lunch, not that you’re a terrible writer.
And here’s the big payoff: Writers who regulate emotions write longer and with less burnout. Which means more published work, more income and fewer dramatic “I’m quitting writing forever” declarations at 3 p.m. on a Tuesday.
If you liked this post, you’ll also like How to become a calmer person: A guide for writers.
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My video podcast last week addressed how to make your research more productive. You can watch the video or read the transcript, and you can also subscribe to my YouTube channel.
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How do you regulate emotions when you need to? We can all learn from each other, so please, share your thoughts with my readers and me in the comments section, below. If you comment on today’s post (or any others) by Jan. 31/26, I’ll put you in a draw for a digital copy of my first book, 8 1/2 Steps to Writing Faster, Better. To enter, please scroll down to the comments, directly underneath the related posts links, below. You don’t have to join Disqus to post! Read my tutorial to learn how to post as a guest. (It’s easy!)
